~by Haley Lynn Gray~
A small moment that’s stayed with me. My daughter was celebrating a milestone she’d worked a great many hours to reach, and another girl responded: “That’s nice, I don’t care.”
It costs nothing to say “congratulations.” It costs nothing to say “good job.” The need to diminish someone else’s achievement is usually a sign of something missing in the person doing the diminishing — and it’s the opposite of leadership.
A leader is someone who can rise above being jealous, tired or fed up, and still build up the people around them.
Why this matters more than money
If you manage anyone, morale isn’t a soft concern — it’s what determines whether people do the minimum or the work that actually needs doing.
The usual assumption is that money solves it. The research is less flattering. Dan Ariely’s experiments on motivation found that larger financial incentives don’t reliably produce better performance, and in some cases produce worse.
Money matters up to a point: people need enough for a roof, food and a safe car, and paying below that is not compensated for by kind words. But above that threshold, the things that make people want to work for you are mostly not financial.
Recognition isn’t one thing
Here’s what I’ve found most useful, and it changed how I manage people entirely.
Gary Chapman’s work on love languages is usually discussed in terms of marriage, but he and Paul White extended it to workplaces for a good reason: people don’t all receive appreciation the same way.
Some people want words — to be told, specifically, that they did something well. Some want time and attention, a proper conversation rather than a passing thanks. Some want practical help when they’re under it. Some want a tangible token. Some want an actual acknowledgement in front of other people, and some would rather die than be praised in a meeting.
The mistake most managers make is giving everyone the kind of recognition they themselves would want. If you’re a words person, you praise. If you’re a practical person, you help. And half your team registers nothing at all.
So use all of them. Not just the obvious ones — and pay particular attention to calling out good work and good performance, specifically and by name, because that one gets skipped most often.
How to work out someone’s
You don’t need a questionnaire. Watch what they do for other people — most people give appreciation in the form they’d like to receive. Notice what they complain about missing. And if you can’t tell, ask: “what makes you feel like the work landed?”
Practical ways to build people up
Say congratulations, immediately and genuinely. Promotions, milestones, a hard thing finished. Every single time.
Be specific. “Good job” is pleasant; “the way you handled that client on Tuesday, when they were furious and you stayed calm and fixed it” is memorable. Specific praise also teaches — it tells people exactly what to repeat.
Praise the work in front of others, correct in private. Old advice, still correct.
Tell people what their work made possible. Most employees never learn what happened downstream of what they did.
Give people the good projects. Trust is a form of recognition, and often the most valued one.
Notice the invisible work. The person who quietly prevents problems gets thanked least, because nothing appears to have happened. Find them and say so.
And do it when you don’t feel like it
This is the part that makes it leadership rather than good manners.
Anyone can be generous on a good day. Doing it when you’re exhausted, when your own week has gone badly, or when some part of you would rather not — that’s the actual skill, and people can tell the difference.
Build up the people around you. It costs you nothing, and it’s most of what makes anyone want to work with you at all.
