~by Haley Lynn Gray~
Think of any prominent woman — in politics, in business, in technology. Now think about the words routinely used to describe her.
Pushy. Bossy. Shrill. Abrasive. Difficult. And the one that gets reached for when the others aren’t doing enough work.
The same behaviour in a man produces a different vocabulary: decisive, forceful, confident, knows what he wants.
What the words are for
They aren’t descriptions. They’re corrections.
Each one is applied to a woman who is doing something the speaker finds inappropriate for a woman — taking up space, giving instructions, disagreeing, or simply not softening any of it.
And they work, which is why they persist. Most women adjust to avoid them: a little less direct, a little more apologetic, a slightly smaller ask. The vocabulary is doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
The research isn’t ambiguous
This isn’t only a feeling. Studies have repeatedly found that assertive women are evaluated more harshly than men behaving identically — judged as less likeable, and penalised for it in hiring and promotion decisions.
There’s a similar pattern in negotiation: women who negotiate firmly are rated as more difficult to work with than men who do the same. Which means the advice to “just be more assertive” is incomplete — it’s accurate about what’s needed and silent about what it costs.
And it isn’t only men
The part I find most disappointing: women use these words about other women, frequently.
Sometimes it’s competitive. Sometimes it’s the discomfort of watching another woman do something you were taught not to do. It’s the same instinct that turns appearance into a scoreboard, and it costs us far more than it costs anyone else.
What to do
Don’t let the label change your behaviour. Easier written than done, and still the whole game. The words work by making you smaller; refusing that is the only real answer.
Be warm and immovable. Pleasant tone, unchanged position. It’s remarkably hard to sustain “difficult” about someone who is perfectly friendly and simply not moving.
Name it when you hear it. “What would we call that if a man did it?” asked mildly, in the moment, stops the conversation more effectively than a lecture.
Watch your own vocabulary. Particularly about women you don’t like. Dislike someone for what they did, not for being forceful while female.
And if you manage people, check your reviews. Words like abrasive and aggressive appear far more often in women’s feedback than men’s. That’s a correctable habit once you’ve looked for it.
The short version
The names aren’t feedback. They’re a tax on women who behave like people who expect to be taken seriously.
Pay it or refuse it, but don’t mistake it for information about you.
