There’s a well-documented problem with telling women to negotiate harder: sometimes it’s bad advice.
Not because women are worse at it. Because the same behaviour costs women more.
What the research found
In 2003, economist Linda Babcock and writer Sara Laschever published Women Don’t Ask, documenting that women initiated negotiations considerably less often than men — and that the cumulative cost over a career was large.
The obvious conclusion was that women should simply ask more. Subsequent research complicated that.
Hannah Riley Bowles of Harvard’s Kennedy School, working with Babcock and others, ran experiments in which people evaluated candidates who had or hadn’t negotiated. Their 2007 paper was titled, fairly bluntly, “Sometimes it does hurt to ask.” Evaluators penalised women who initiated negotiations more than men who did the same thing — they were rated as more demanding and people were less willing to work with them.
So women weren’t asking less because they lacked confidence. They were reading the room correctly. The social cost was real, and avoiding it was a rational response.
That changes the advice. “Just ask more” ignores a genuine penalty. The better question is how to get what you need while reducing the cost of asking.
It’s different for owners
Most negotiation advice aimed at women assumes you’re asking a manager for a raise. If you run a business, you’re mostly negotiating something else: price with clients, terms with suppliers, rates with lenders, splits with partners.
That shifts things in useful ways. You’re not asking someone to reward you; you’re agreeing the terms of an exchange. The other party wants something from you too. And you can walk away, which an employee usually can’t.
But the penalty follows you. A woman who holds firm on price is more likely to be described as difficult than a man doing the same — which is exactly why so many women discount before anyone has even asked.
What reduces the cost
The research suggests some approaches work better than others, and they share a theme: anchoring the ask to something other than yourself.
Tie it to the work, not to you. “This is what the project requires” lands differently from “this is what I want.” It’s the same number, framed as a fact about the job rather than a claim about your worth.
Refer to the standard. “Our rate for this scope is…” treats the price as an established fact rather than a personal request. It’s harder to push back on a policy than on a person.
Show the other side’s interest. “Doing it properly means it won’t need redoing” frames the higher number as protecting them. People resist less when the ask is plainly in their favour too.
And separate warmth from position. You can be entirely pleasant and entirely firm at the same time. The mistake is believing friendliness requires flexibility. It doesn’t.
Losing the apology
The title of this post is the practical core. Apologetic framing weakens every ask, and it’s usually automatic.
Listen for these in your own emails and conversations:
- “I’m sorry, but…”
- “I hate to ask, but…”
- “This might be a lot, but…”
- “Just checking whether…”
- “I know it’s expensive…”
Each one invites a discount before you’ve been asked for one. It tells the other party you already suspect your position is unreasonable.
Replace them with statements. “The fee for this is …” “We’ll need payment within thirty days.” “That doesn’t work for us, but here’s what would.”
Then stop talking. The silence after a price is where discounts get offered that nobody requested.
Prepare more than you think you need
Know your number and your walk-away. The price you want and the price below which you’d rather decline. Decide both before the conversation, because deciding during it favours whoever is more comfortable with pressure.
Know what they need. What problem are they solving? What happens if they don’t solve it? What else have they looked at? The more you know about their position, the less your ask depends on assertion.
Have something to trade. If they push on price, what can you adjust instead? Scope, timeline, payment terms. Trading is easier than conceding, and it keeps the value of your work intact.
Know what everyone else charges. This is precisely the private information a network of women in business provides, and it’s worth more than any negotiation technique.
When they say no
A no in a negotiation is rarely the end. It’s information.
“What would need to change for this to work?” is the most useful question available. It turns a refusal into a set of conditions, and frequently the conditions are achievable — a smaller scope, a different timeline, a staged start.
And sometimes the right response is to let it go. Not every client is yours. Being willing to decline is what gives your price any meaning at all.
The honest summary
You’re not imagining the penalty. It’s been measured, repeatedly, and pretending otherwise is unhelpful.
But the answer isn’t to ask less. It’s to ask in ways that make the penalty harder to apply: anchored to the work, framed as standard, clearly in their interest, and delivered without an apology attached.
Warm, firm, and specific. Then quiet.
