~by Haley Lynn Gray~
When you start a business, there’s an assumption that the people around you will become your customers. Your friends, your family, the people you already know.
Mostly they don’t, and discovering that is one of the more demoralising parts of the first year.
It isn’t that they don’t support you. It’s that your customers are defined by having a specific problem, and the people who love you were selected on entirely different criteria. The overlap is usually small.
Which means finding the people who will actually buy from you is a separate piece of work, and it requires putting yourself in front of strangers who might not respond.
Why it’s uncomfortable
It’s lonely showing up as yourself and wondering whether anyone will recognise something in what you’re saying.
You write something and nobody answers. You go to an event and stand near the edge. You describe your business and someone says “oh, right” and moves on.
Each of those feels like a verdict and none of them is. They’re what the early part looks like from the inside, and the only real difference between people who build an audience and people who don’t is that some kept going through the period where nothing came back.
It takes time. You will get there if you stay with it — and no, that isn’t a satisfying answer, but it’s the true one.
What you’re actually building
Not followers. A small number of people who know what you do well enough to recommend you.
That’s the mechanism, and it’s smaller than people imagine. Twenty people who genuinely understand your work and think of you when someone mentions the relevant problem will produce more business than a thousand who half-recognise your name.
Which is why specificity matters more than reach. People can only refer you if they can explain what you do in a sentence. If they can’t, they’ll stay quiet rather than risk an awkward recommendation — and you’ll never know it happened.
It goes both ways, too. The people who refer work to you are the people you refer work to. That reciprocity isn’t a tactic; it’s what the relationship is made of, and people can tell the difference immediately.
The thing that costs women most
Here’s what I most want to say, because I see it constantly.
Someone tells you they loved working with you. And you say: “Oh, it was nothing.”
That’s not modesty. In a business context it’s throwing away evidence, and it does specific damage.
A compliment is frequently the start of something. The person saying it is, at that moment, actively thinking well of your work. That’s the moment a testimonial gets given, a referral gets made, a second piece of work gets discussed.
“Oh, it was nothing” closes it. Politely, warmly, completely. You’ve told them their assessment was mistaken, and most people will accept your correction and move on.
The alternative takes two seconds: “Thank you — that’s good to hear.” Then stop talking.
And if you want to be slightly braver: “Thank you. Would you mind if I quoted that?” or “Thank you. If you know anyone else dealing with that, I’d love an introduction.”
Almost everyone says yes. Almost nobody asks.
Practise the plain version until it’s automatic, because the reflex to deflect is strong and it fires before you’ve thought about it.
Practically, where these people come from
- Groups where your buyers already gather, by being consistently useful rather than promotional.
- The people who already bought. The easiest recommendations come from those who’ve experienced the work.
- Adjacent businesses serving the same clients without competing. Mutual referrals, built over time.
- And the rooms you’re already in. Most people never mention what they do, then wonder why nobody refers them.
None of it is fast. All of it compounds.
The short version
Your people are out there and they probably aren’t the ones currently around you. Finding them means being visible enough to be ignored a fair number of times first.
And when someone does tell you that you helped them — accept it. Say thank you, let it land, and ask for the thing you actually want.
You are allowed to be good at what you do, and you’re allowed to let people say so.
More on where to find them and what to do once you have.
About the author
Haley Lynn Gray is the founder of Leadership Girl, of In2itive Biz Solutions, and of the Women’s Entrepreneur Network — a community of more than 77,000 women in business.
She writes here about what happens when running a business starts demanding that you lead one. More about Haley →
